Their exact origins are quite mysterious. While their appearance suggests a mixture of both fox and weasel genes, their mannerisms are most similar to that of felines. Therefore the feasox is considered to be a both fox/weasel hybrid and a feline at the same time. While this may be confusing, one must simply accept that the feasox is a very complex being.
- 1 Feasox Appearance
- 2 Feasox Terminology
- 3 Feasox Likes and Dislikes
- 4 Feasox Expressions and Behavior
- 5 Feasox History and Folklore
- 6 Feasox Politics and Current Events
- 7 Feasox Spirituality
- 8 Notable Feasoxes
- 9 Sources
As an example, this is how one would describe the feasox shown above:
Jaggers Pawtucket is a feasox... with two arms, two legs, big black nose, muzzle, and long bent pointy ears with a neat chip in the right one. His long thick tail trails off into a point, kind of like a meerkat’s. His fur is mostly foxy-orange, with distinct shades of weasel-brown on the bottom half of his face, as well as on the tips of his ears, fingers, toes, and tail. His underbelly is white, and he's got some stylin black hair on top his head.
However, appearances can, and typically do, vary by individual.
Common Name: "Feasox" (combination of Fox + Weasel)
Scientific Name: Vultela fulnata (combination of Vulpes fulva + Mustela frenata)
Full Taxonomy: Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Chordata, Class Mammalia, Order Carnivora, Family Felidae, Genus Vultela, Species fulnata
Collective Name: a "skang" of feasoxes (combination of "skulk" of foxes + a "gang" of weasels)
Feasox Likes and Dislikes
Feasoxes thrive on attention. The greatest pleasure for a feasox is being petted, hugged, snuggled, scritchied, cuddled, and/or cherished. Feasoxes are rarely reluctant to demand such affections, because they feel entitled to them. When received, feasoxes typically reward the provider with purrs.
Feasoxes like to pounce, as a greeting or simply for personal enjoyment. A general rule of thumb by which feasoxes live by is if they can get away with it, then there is nothing wrong with amusing themselves at the expense of others. Pounces can also be used as a means of revenge and retaliation. The effectiveness of pouncing for revenge or retaliation is greatest when accompanied by a GRRRR!!!
Without a doubt, chewing and nibbling on things is one of their favorite habits, especially when performed on other individuals. They usually find the ears and tails to be the most chewable of body parts. However, feasoxes have instinctively learned that a certain level of restraint must constantly be maintained, otherwise the chewed-on party may cease to cooperate.
Feasoxes also enjoy poking and batting others on the ears, nose, and other extremities.
Feasoxes especially love balls. They enjoy playing with anything that is round, bouncy, and roll-able.
Feasoxes are proud of the fact they they are extremely rare, and they are quick to defend themselves if their species comes under scrutiny. In general, they know themselves to be superior to all other forms of life.
A feasox's greatest dislike is being ignored. Any lack of attention is known to drive a feasox to great lengths to attempt to get some form of satisfaction. For example, a feasox may roll on his back and 'show his paws' to a potential attention supplier in an effort to demonstrate his cuteness and melt the individual into providing affection.
Feasoxes are also very sensitive to being tickled. On occasion, an enemy will attempt to use this weakness against a feasox, to which they respond by squirming or curling into a tight little ball. However, if tickling is done in an affectionate manner, it is usually tolerated.
Feasoxes display paranoic fear of automated scritching aids, such as the ScritchyMatic MK1 (Converted Blender) and ScritchyMatic MK 2 (Converted Weedwhacker).
Feasox Expressions and Behavior
In addition to using purrs to reward others, feasoxes also purr spontaneously when they are happy. The more happy they are, the more powerful the purr. When sad or begging for something (such as a hug) they whimper or pout. Curling into a little ball also works very well. Feasoxes are aware that they are extremely adorable, and they have no qualms about using this to their advantage.
Meowing is very useful to feasoxes. It is commonly used spontaneously. More often though, they meow as a greeting or farewell, and more importantly, when they want attention. Often the more emphatic "MEOWMER!" is necessary. Other commonly used mannerisms to earn attention include poking, tugging, and of course, chewing and nibbling. Biting also works, but usually only as a last resort. Nosing and nuzzling works well for getting attention also, and along with the purrrrr, nuzzles are often used to express affection.
Squirming is also a common behavior. They not only squirm to ward off tickling, but it is also a great technique for attention-grabbing and earning affection.
The feasox's ears are very sensitive, both to touch and emotional state. The less happy a feasox is, the more folded the ears are. When the feasox is at its happiest, the ears are fully erect. Feasoxes can also control their ears to conciously exaggerate their desires.
Purr Exchange Rate
Purrs are a feasox's primary means of rewarding individuals for providing affection. Depending on the strength of a purr, any number of 'R's may be subtracted or added. When they are especially happy, they may (rarely) *RUMBLY PURRRRRRRRRRR!!!*
The following is the feasox-sponsored exchange rate of various forms of affection for 1 standard feasox purr. Note however, that in the real world, the value of the feasox purr has been grossly undervalued.
100,000 pettings = 1 purr
100,000 hugs = 1 purr
10,000 snuggles = 1 purr
10,000 scritchies = 1 purr
1,000 cuddles = 1 purr
1,000 cherishings = 1 purr
These are the preferred forms of attention, but others have been accepted as well.
Feasox History and Folklore
While most of the feasox history is a mystery, most of what we do know was written in The Book of Feasox. Below are a some examples of feasox history and folklore, including a tale detailing how their close relatives, the feazoxes, came to be.
The Second Felinoponnesian War
From The Book of Feasox, Page 8
"Thousands of years ago there was an epic war between the Feasox and Honeybear clans. The Honeybear prince, upon visiting the great Feasox city of Feasparta, had stolen the love of the Feaspartan king's wife and taken her back to the Honeybear capital of Honeytroy. In outrage, all the Feasox kingdoms united under one banner and made plans to raze Honeytroy to the ground.
Soon a hundred thousand Feasox ships had set sail for the Honeybear homeland. Spapollo, the Canine god of war, watched from the heavens with great concern. Although he knew that he should not meddle with Feline affairs, he could not stand by and watch Honeytroy be destroyed... for he admired the Honeybears' stripes, and Honeytroy was the world's leading exporter of doggy treats.
So Spapollo took the guise of a ladybug and flew down towards one of the approaching Feasox ships. However, this was no ordinary ship. It was the ship of Jachilles, the greatest of the Feasox warriors... perhaps even the greatest warrior ever born.
Spapollo challenged Jachilles to a game of skipping acorns across the sea. The loser would have to grant the other any one wish that the winner desired. Jachilles knew that there was little to gain from a ladybug, but he agreed anyway. After all, he was feeling lucky and thought it very improbable a ladybug could lift an acorn, let alone throw one. He elected to go first.
Unfortunately, Jachilles had always sucked at acorn skipping, and his acorn fell unceremoniously into the water. Spapollo laughed and then revealed his true form. "Holy Crap!" exclaimed Jachilles, as Spapollo picked up an acorn and skipped it clean across the sea.
Having defeated Jachilles, Spapollo explained to Jachilles how he must play a role in ensuring a Feasox defeat.
Days later the ships made landfall on the shores of Honeytroy. It was at this moment that Jachilles turned on his Feasox comrades and single-handedly slaughtered them all. Millions of fallen Feasox warriors lay strewn upon the beach.... only Jachilles remained.
Cathector, the legendary Honeytrojan warrior princess, witnessed the devastation and greeted Jachilles with much gratitude. At this moment Jachilles fell to his knees and swore eternal allegiance to the Honeybear clan.
With their armies destroyed, the Feasox kingdoms now lay defenseless. Within weeks the Honeybear counter-offensive, led by Jachilles and Cathector, had burned all the Feasox cities to the ground, leaving none alive.
Thus the Second Felinoponnesian War was over, and the Honeybears ruled all of Felinoponnesia.
In her great guilt, the former queen of Feasparta threw herself from the highest wall of Honeytroy. And that was how Jachilles came to be the world's lone surviving Feasox."
The Tale of Canis: Creation of the Canine
From The Book of Feasox, Page 13
"Gather with me little kittens, around the Story Tree, which was blessed twenty centuries ago by the king of trees, Lord Quercis himself.
Last time we met I told you the tale of Homonis, how he betrayed Queen Felis, the Moon Goddess and creator of all cats, and how Homonis was punished by being changed into the first of man, a creature whose lineage would forever be cursed to serve feline kind and provide us with food, warmth, and shelter. Tonight, under the glorious moon, I shall tell you the story of Homonis' second in command and most loyal ally, Canis.
Years following the downfall of Homonis, Canis continued, in secret, to serve his former master, despite the Moon Goddess' declaration that no feline would ever be subservient to Homonis or any of this progeny. Canis dwelled in the house of Homonis, fetched objects at his orders, licked his hand, begged for food, and performed tricks and played games for Homonis' amusement. Canis had thus forsaken feline dignity, turning his energies instead to blind loyalty to human kind. Quickly Canis became fat and lazy in this sheltered life, and all the while his own mother, the Moon Goddess Queen Felis, was ignorant of the happenings, for her gaze could not penetrate the cold rocky barriers of Homonis' artificial dwelling.
But then one day Canis woke up to a familiar aroma coming from just outside the house. Canis had not forgotten the delicious smell of catnip, and temptation led him to stray outside the protection of the human dwelling in search of the aroma's origin. The origin, he found, was coming from a nearby oak tree, way up high were he could not see. He promptly climbed up the tree, all the way up to its highest branch, where he discovered a mockingbird's nest. It contained three newborn eggs, and amongst the twigs and leaves making up the nest he found a catnip branch. With deft paws and little hesitation, Canis quickly removed the catnip, holding it up to his nose and savoring its smells and sweet juices. When suddenly and unexpectantly, the mother, who had been off foraging, returned and swooped in with a raucous caw and savagely pecked repeatedly at his forehead. Surprised and dazzled, Canis mewed in pain and dropped the catnip, down into the thick foliage of a briar patch. In a bout of anger and retribution, Canis swatted the bird away and quickly seized one of the eggs within his maw. He hurried down the tree and fled into the house, taking the egg inside with him.
Later that night, the mother mockingbird flew down to the window where Canis slept and pled for the return of her offspring. Unwavering, Canis refused and insisted that a deal be made for the baby's life. He demanded that the mockingbird fetch him a year's supply of catnip, after which he would return her child. He swore he would keep the egg warm and in good condition until the deal was done. To this the mockingbird agreed.
Over the course of three weeks the mockingbird labored nonstop doing Canis' bidding, until finally she had fetched him enough catnip to last nearly two years. But when it came time for her to reclaim the egg, Canis confessed that he had long ago devoured it and had simply taken advantage of her skills for obtaining catnip. Remorselessly, and without apology or thanks, Canis leaped back into the house to bask in the fruits of his treachery. Left in grief, the mother mockingbird returned to her nest after long absence only to find that her negligence had rendered her eggs dead; for none of them would ever hatch.
For three days the mockingbird mourned her loss, crying from each sunrise and until the night came and exhaustion overtook her. Way up in the clouds, where the gods reside, Lord Quercis sensed her suffering through the very bark of the oak which held the nest. With great concern he descended down into the oak and asked the mockingbird why she cried so terribly. She told him the tale of how she was wronged by Canis and how he killed her three only offspring.
In disgust and anger, Lord Quercis sped back up into the clouds. He sought out Queen Felis and demanded that the murderous cat be punished. Torn between her anger over the mistreatment of another being and the love for her mortal son, the Moon Goddess reluctantly agreed to banish Canis from the kingdom of cats. This was a verdict of such magnitude that not even the walls of Homonis' home could protect Canis from. Curled up in pain, Canis whimpered as he could feel his body changing. His body became larger and more muscular, losing the graceful sleekness and flexibility so prized by feline kind. His fur became courser and his tail stiffer. His snout grew longer and his teeth and jaws more ruthless, reducing him to growls and barks and incapable of feline talk. He lost his sense to see in the dark, and Queen Felis took away his ability to conceal his claws, serving as a constant badge for his violent and cruel nature. She also made him incapable of climbing trees, such that he could never molest bird kind ever again. Finally, perhaps worst of all, she made him insensitive to the smell of catnip and unable to enjoy the pleasures of its sweet nectar. In his great grief, Canis howled a mournful cry so loud it was heard by all cats everywhere.
Such is the story of Canis and the creation of the canine folk. To this day his descendents continue to serve humankind with dumb loyalty. However they have not forgotten what happened to Canis and all that was lost. In hatred to Lord Quercis, the director of Queen Felis' wrath, the canines urinate on trees with every given opportunity. And when the Queen Felis' gaze is largest, and the moon is brightest, they howl in agony, pleading to the Moon Goddess to take pity upon them and allow them to return to the kingdom of cats. It is thus through envy and jealously that the canines carry so much contempt for us felines, and is why we must always be careful when in their presence.
Now, my little ones, go back to your comfortable homes and sleep, and dream of the tales I have told you."
The Origin of the Spotted Hyena
From The Book of Feasox, Page 21
"There once was a litter of wild dogs. Like any other litter, there was a single runt of a pup who was too small and fragile to wrestle away any food from his brothers and sisters. This runt would have surely died had the god Zeus, in the form of a giraffe, not happened to pass by.
Zeus felt pity for this little runt and gave him ugly looking polka dots and a terrible smell. The other pups, quite disgusted, all ran away and died in the desert. With the food all to himself, the runt with the ugly polka dots and a terrible smell flourished.
And that is how Spotted hyenas were created."
The Origin of the Fox
From The Book of Feasox, Page 22
"A long long time ago there was a feasox named Fox. Being a feasox, Fox was, by definition, both adorable AND kewl.
So kewl was he that he managed to trick the goddess Athena into trading eternal life in exchange for a measley half-assed purr (it wasn't even the sincere kind!). Unfortunately for Fox, Athena's brother Apollo knew better. Quite pissed, Apollo descended down to Earth and batted Fox quite viciously on the nose. "You weasel!" Apollo shouted, "You took advantage of my little sister! Give her back her eternal life NOW!" Of course, Fox refused, and being super-kewl, stuck his tongue out at Apollo. So Apollo, now uber-pissed, punished Fox by taking away all of his kewlness, leaving only his fluffy adorableness behind. His weasel-like kewlness lost, Fox whimpered quite pitifully and ran away like an adorable, sissy little coward.
And that is how foxes were created."
How the Feazox Got His, Er, Whatever
A feazox folktale, scribed by Channing
"Long long back in the far misty dawn of time there lived a Feazox. Not the sort of feazoxes that you or I see every day walking down the street, having fruit-carts upended upon them and being shoved into automated bank depositories or hung on poles and poked at with umbrellas. No, these feazox was one of the cheese-flavored feazoxes, feazoxes who subsisted on steady diets of lemons and sauerkraut. You may ask why this feazox was of the cheese-flavored variety and not some other variety of feazox. Actually I lied. You may not ask. Shame on you! You ought to be spending your time doing more important things than questioning my judgment in telling folk tales to you. But because I am nice I will tell you anyway. Be certain that it does not happen again.
The reason that this was a cheese-flavored variety of feazox was that, in the far misty dawn of time, there wasn't any other sort of feazox to be. That's right. Things used to look a lot more like other things than they now do. Waffles resembled rocks, platypuses resembled fire hydrants and maraschino cherries resembled '87 Dodge Chargers. And feazoxes resembled most other animals quite remarkably. Save for their cheese flavoring, you could hardly tell them apart from other sorts of animals at all.
The feazox was proud of his cheese flavoring. Day by day he would prance through the forest primeval shouting at the top of his lungs, "Look at me! I'm a watermelon!" (Things used to taste a lot like other things as well, hence his confusion.) Other things he would shout were, "Soup is good food!" (We here at the Institute agree), "I am in love with Kathie Lee Gifford!" (A common failing of most feazoxes, even primeval ones) and "Today, I am moving to Boise!" (A comment we are at a loss to explain.) But the one thing that the feazox would yell most often of all, more even than shouting out his love of Kathie Lee Gifford, was the phrase "I am cuter than you!!!"
The feazox was a vain creature, you see. And in addition to giving him a pleasant cheesy taste, the feazox's flavoring also lent to him an all-over pleasant pale yellow color, of which he was incredibly proud. Almost as proud as he was of his pet ViewMaster, which he had named "Emilio" and which he wore on a thong around his neck. You may ask, "But Doctor," you may ask, "what sorts of custom ViewMaster reels did he have available for viewing?" (You may actually ask this, this time.) Well, that, my inquisitive hypothetical pupil, is a lesson for another legendary tale. (Next Tuesday's, in fact.)
So anyhow, the cheese-flavored feazox (who we will call "Taurine") and his pet ViewMaster Emilio skipped through the forest primeval without a care in the world (save diabetes) and that would be the end of our tale were it not for the fact that something has to happen to make this into a story, unless it was written by Anton Chekhov, who can write stories even if nothing happens, and American actor David Hyde Pierce, who gets a universal exemption to tell whatever kind of story he wants. And the thing that happens in this story is that Taurine the Feazox forgot that he had signed up for humility class that semester under the great hyena teacher Grandmother Sissy Spacek.
Now, like most hyenas in the forest primeval, Grandmother Sissy Spacek resembled both a banana and Tippi Hedren crossed with a modern fuel-injection system, but that's not important right now. What was important was that on this one day, Taurine was so involved in jaunting about in the forest primeval shouting about Kathie Lee Gifford and about his enticing cheese flavor that he completely forgot about his humility class, where all the other animals went to learn their proper place in the world (Shreveport, LA). So at the close of humility class, Grandmother Sissy Spacek went tracking Taurine the Feazox through the forest primeval, which she could do because of her tremendous sense of smell and the fact that she had drank lots of juice that morning. Children like you who wish to best track things through the forest ought to drink lots of juice. Learn from the lesson of Grandmother Sissy Spacek! (But be certain to pick the type of juice wisely.) Also, Taurine was leaving behind bits of torn-up bagel behind. So it was really quite easy.
Eventually, Grandmother Sissy Spacek cornered Taurine the Feazox against the trunk of a giant magnolia plant. Have you ever heard the expression "cornered against a magnolia plant?" Now you know where that expression comes from.
"So!" said Grandmother Sissy Spacek. "You thought that you could simply skip my humility class, where animals learn that the place for them is Shreveport, LA?"
"I'm cuter than you!" shouted Taurine the Feazox. Also he added, "My toaster is on fire!" (Nobody can explain this, either, so do not try.)
"So, you're cuter than me, eh?" said Grandmother Sissy Spacek. (She, too, did not try to explain the bit about the toaster. You should learn from her!) "I suppose you think that your pleasant cheese flavor, acquired from long hours eating sauerkraut and lemons, makes you that way?"
"Soup is good food!" exclaimed Taurine.
"Harrumph!" said Grandmother Sissy Spacek. (You should not try to Harrumph. This is one area where you should not learn from Grandmother Sissy Spacek.) "I will show you who is cuter than whom!"
And with a wave of her magic pencil brush and squeeze bottle of Hellmann's Dijonnaise, Grandmother Sissy Spacek cast a powerful spell on Taurine the Feazox. "I will replace your pleasant cheese flavor with a disgusting licorice flavor!" said Grandmother Sissy Spacek, whose friends called her "Emilia." (Do not confuse this with Taurine's pet ViewMaster!) "Also I will make you all black with stupid-looking hot-pink polka dots except for with aquamarine in some places! And I will give you a dumb punk-rock haircut that makes you look like you used quite a bit too much Paul Mitchell hair spray when you got up in the morning. And I will make you wear an unfashionable amount of gold jewelry and render you unable to repair carburetors and also I will make it so that you cannot pronounce the letter 'm' and are forced to spend all your days substituting the closest alveolar nasal consonant equivalent, which would be the letter 'n'."
And this she did. It was a complicated spell, which was why she needed the squeeze bottle of Dijonnaise. "So," said Emilia, giving Taurine a shiny pot of some kind to look at himself with, "have I taught you never to skip humility class again?"
Taurine looked at himself in the shiny pot. (You can do this too!)
Then he shouted out, "I'n STILL cuter than you!"
And he continued trotting on and on through the forest and never went to a humility class again."
Feasox Politics and Current Events
The Feasozobearzuma Party
Their political platform includes the following 8 points:
- Advocation of Felines for Being Carried, while rejecting lap-kittyism
- Reestablishing the global market value of purrs
- Raising social awareness of the "kewlness" of wearing collars as a fashion statement
- Eradication of all species listed on the Top-Ten List of Most Despicable Species, especially Spotted Hyenas
- Using tax dollars to support the Feasox Preservation Fund
- Recognition of Feasoxism as an official religion, with complete tax-exempt status
- Allowing species dysphonic individuals to legally identify themselves as their true species, while protecting them from such labels as "dysphoric"
- Funding species reassignment research and the establishment of the Texas Furry Clinic
The following are the current elected leaders of the Feasozobearzuma Party:
Skangz Alpha: Jaggerz
Honey Bear Cat Contingent:
Clutter Alpha: Jaggsie
Montehoney Orobearzuma Contingent:
Flutter Alpha: Jaggsiezuma
Top-Ten List of Most Despicable Species
On June 1, 2006, the Feasox War Council unanimously voted to declare evolutionary war on the following species:
1) Spotted Hyenas (Crocuta crocuta)
2) Feline Leukemia Virus (Feline leukemia virus)
3) Feline Immunodeficiency Virus (Feline immunodeficiency virus)
4) Feline Infectious Peritonitis (Feline coronavirus)
5) Cat Fleas (Ctenocephalides felis)
6) Cat-Scratch Disease (Bartonella henselae)
7) American Cockroaches (Periplaneta americana)
8) Mosquitoes (all species)
9) Red Imported Fire Ants (Solenopsis invicta)
10) Sudden Oak Death (Phytophthora ramorum)
Their stated goal is "the TOTAL, global eradication of all listed species by the year 2008."
NOTE: species are listed in order of decreasing urgency.
War Breaks Out
Days after declaring evolutionary war with the spotted hyenas and the other 9 species listed in the Top-Ten List of Most Despicable Species, the feasoxes quickly found themselves at odds with the foxes as well. Interspecies relations between the feasoxes and foxes rapidly deteriorated, and war was declared on June 17, 2006, after a reported sneak attack led by General Viqsi. Skang Alpha Jaggers' war declaration reads:
"June 17, 2006. A day that will live in infamy...
At 9:11 AM of the morning of June 17, 2006, while all feasoxes around the globe were still asleep in their beds, the foxes, in a characteristic act of cowardice, unleashed a sneak attack upon the reputation of our species. Led by General Viqsi, the foxes used weapons of mass intelligence (including Google) in order to procure illegal information regarding our species' past and current activities. Armed with this information, they used devastating sissy-like tactics in order to distort the truth of our past to promote the delusion that their species is something more than merely a weak kewlness-less offshoot of our own. This cowardly verbal attack is nothing less than an all-out declaration of war against our freedom-loving species.
As of today, the Feasox Nation is at evolutionary war with BOTH the Kingdom of Spotted Hyenas and the Empire of Foxes. Let it be known that we shall settle for nothing less than the unconditional extinction of both species, with the exception of a select few individuals whom we will keep alive as pets. In addition, due to their apparent neutrality in the matter, the Arctic foxes shall, for now, be spared from eradication.
The Feazox, Honey Bear Cat, and Montehoney Orobearzuma Nations have already pledged their allegiance to our cause. And although our alliance is grossly outnumbered in this two-front war, we are confident that our combined powers of pleasant smell, adorableness, kewlness, stripes, and lack ugly spots shall guarantee our victory..."
The War Escalates
On June 22, 2006, an emergency meeting was held between leaders of various interested species, including the feasoxes, honey bear cats, kitsunes, equines, avians, and wolves. The goal of this meeting was to negotiate peace. However, the attempt was an absolute disaster, and after hours of bitter argument, it only served to fuel the anger.
Following this meeting, the Equine Assembly, led by Premiere Bard, voted to ally themselves with the foxes and spotted hyenas to "protect our friends from feasox aggression".
Almost immediately, the Avian Federation, thanks to close ties with both the feasoxes and montehoney orobearzumae, declared alliance with the Feasozobearzuma Alliance. In a demonstration of unity with the feasox cause, the leaders of the Avian Federation voted Kanilas, Skang Beta of the Feasox Nation, to also serve as Flight Leader for their own war effort.
Meanwhile, the wolves, under pressure from both sides, reluctantly maintained neutrality in the war. The kitsunes also declared themselves neutral and distanced themselves from the warring fox species, denouncing them as "renegade factions".
The Warring Factions
To date, the warring factions include:
The Feasozobearzuma Alliance:
The Feasox Nation
The Feazox Nation
The Honey Bear Republic
The Montehoney Orobearzuma Union
The Avian Federation
The Defense League:
The Kingdom of Spotted Hyenas
The Empire of Foxes
The Equine Assembly
The Mouse Kind
Officially Neutral Species:
All Feasox spirituality is derived from The Book of Feasox. This not only tells of a feasox heaven and hell, but also of the nature of the feasox soul.
The Eternal Path of the True Feasox
From the Book of Feasox, Page 1
"Due to the perfect nature of feasoxes, the confines of the material universe can only harbor one feasox in physical form at a time. However, the potential for recruitment of new feasox souls is limitless.
To earn a feasox soul, one must merely adopt a feasox body for fourteen consecutive days. However, this can only be successfully initiated if there are no other feasoxes currently in physical existence. Once the fourteenth day has passed, the individual's soul is instantaneously upgraded to that of a feasox soul. If he/she has already lost, sold, or otherwise lacks a soul, then a new feasox soul shall simply be endowed upon them.
Possessing a feasox soul is a spiritually binding contract. Such a soul cannot be discarded, traded, sold, altered, or abandoned in any way. Thus, regardless of subsequent physical forms on Earth, the possessor of a feasox soul will continually exist as a feasox for all eternity. Such an individual is referred to as a "true feasox".
In life, a true feasox need not continually inhabit a feasox body. In fact, true feasoxes are encouraged to abstain to allow new recruits the opportunity to earn a feasox soul. However, regardless of form, a true feasox is obligated to live in accordance to The Book of Feasox.
Failure to follow The Book, or other offenses such as abusing another feasox or rejecting one's own feasox-hood, shall result in the damnation of a feasox soul to feasox hell... a terrible afterlife lacking such amenities as cuddles, chewy things, and things that roll and bounce...
Otherwise, a true feasox leading a life of righteousness shall immediately proceed to feasox heaven following release. Feasox heaven is the most desirable and luxurious of all heavens, and feasox souls are the most privileged of all spirits. As such, a feasox soul is free to visit any of the other afterlives, or even descend back down upon Earth... whether it is to visit friends... or to torment past enemies.
However, being that other souls are sub-perfect, feasox heaven is exclusive to only feasoxes. Such rules are in place to keep feasox heaven in pristine form."
AMENDMENT OF 11/01/07: "The month of November is now officially "Feasox Appreciation Month". To celebrate the greatness of feasoxes, the universe has agreed to gather all its energies one month each year so that it may support limitless feasoxes."
The following is a list of all known individuals who have ever been a feasox:
- Most research conducted in questioning of Jaggers Pawtucket
- Other material gathered from Jaggers Pawtucket's Guide to Being a Feasox
- "How the Feazox Got His, Er, Whatever" by Channing; used with permission
- Terrorist attack, FeasoxNERF, and Feasoxes images created by Mary Minch; used with permission
- Other images created by Jaggers Pawtucket; used with permission